im not letting go.

fireflies....

2005-10-06T15:46:00.000+07:00

There's not a minute that goes by
That I wish I weren't living a lie
Every single day I play my part
Even though it breaks my heart
I never thought I'd end up this way
In a game pretending to be the part I play
For some reason I stay right here
Freedom a thought I seem to fear
Stuck here I sit and cry
Sitting and waiting for the day I die
I’m running and you
Can’t tell me why
I’m running away from
Everything I ever knew.
And you can’t tell me who
I am or who I wanted to be.
I’m crying and you
Can’t tell me why
I feel so down, so
Torn up in every part of me.
And you can’t tell me what
Made me be this way.
It’s too late and you
Don’t know the reason why
I’m lying to you and
Shutting you out of me.
And it’s funny how
You think you know me.
It’s over and you
Will never know who
I was for real and isn’t it
Ironic that I’m the one spilling
My guts out while
You stand there, silent.

2005-09-22T03:30:00.000+07:00

Well if you wanted honesty, That's all you had to say.
I never want to let you down or have you go, it's better off this way.
For all the dirty looks,
For photographs your boyfriend took,
Remember when you broke your foot from jumping out the second floor?

I'm not okay.
I'm not okay.
I'm not okay.
You wear me out.

What will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems?
(I'm not okay)
I told you time and time again you sing the words but still don't know what it means
To be a joke and look
Another line without a hook
I held you close as we both shook for the last time
Take a good hard look!

I'm not okay.
I'm not okay.
I'm not okay.
You wear me out.

Forget about the dirty looks
The photographs your boyfriend took
You say you read me like a book, but the pages all are torn and frayed

I'm okay.
I'm okay!
I'm okay, now
(I'm okay, now)

But you really need to listen to me
Because I'm telling you the truth
I mean this, I'm okay!
(Trust me.)

I'm not okay
I'm not okay
Well, I'm not okay
I'm not o-fucking-kay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
(Okay)

so long and goodnyt.

2005-09-13T05:38:00.000+07:00

Next to you ...
Is where I lay
For loving you
A price I pay

I held you close
And never knew
What you said
Wouldn't be true

An empty promise
Brought true bliss
But then I received
A tainted kiss

Broken hearted
Lost and alone
Now without you
I'm going home

A whole new life
I'm going to start
Deep down I know
It's time to part

No more tears
Will ever be shed
For all this pain
Will soon be dead

I'm on my way
To regain my losses
As I slowly pick up
These broken pieces

i care too much.

2005-08-25T18:28:00.000+07:00

Inside me,
There is so much you cant see ,
You dont know that I hate,
What I have become to be.

You do not know of the abuse,
That I go through everyday,
You have no idea,
That I wish my life away.

You do not know,
About the cuts on my arms,
You do not know,
That Im broken behind my charms.

You do not know,
That my heart doesnt beat anymore,
Its shattered beyond repair,
The pieces trampled into the floor.

You do not know,
That I bleed every night,
I cry a thousand mascara tears,
Cutting holding my glass tight.

You do not know,
That my smile is fake,
So plastic and unreal,
A long time ago my face did break.

You do not know,
Of the pain my chest holds,
Its so bad and intense,
It makes me shiver in the cold.

You do not know,
How broken I have become to be,
And you do not know,
What it is like to me.

No you do not know,
What is inside me,
No you do not know,
That I wish that I could break free….

hey..
first of.
yung last post ko.
its nver intended for anybody.
call me liar pare i dont care.
its true.
is dat the cos kung bkt ka glet?
kse wla nman ako gnwa syo eh.
kilala kita wag ka ng magtago pa.
kausapin mo ko kung gsto mo para klaro na.
maki2pag kaibigan sna ako syo.
pero minura ako ng kada ko.
"tangina wag na ka te! kung alm mo lng..yung
gnwa nya knina."
ndi ko alm na magagawa mo pla yun skn.
y wuld u compare me?
i think dats not fair.
ndi kita binastos. pero bkt ako?
ndi kita pinahiya.
pero tangina bkt ako?
ndi kita pinapakelaman.
dats it.
ndi ko inaano yung mhal mo.
ndi ako gnon kababa.

all i wnt u 2 know.
ndi ako magkakagnito kung
ndi ako tao at wlang feelings.
tanga ba ako? bkt?
sbhin mo nman.

ndi ko alm eh.
minura ka man ng mga kaibigan ko.
tsong. ndi ako ksama don.
may respeto ako syo.
pero ikw wla. as in.
cathy. oo sbhin mo na gusto mo.

tanga ako dba.?
bobo?
panget?
ndi matangkad?
ano pa?

tatangapin ko.
ndi ak ako magagalet.
aus lng skn.
basta ako.
WALA AKONG GINAWA SYO.
PARA BASTUSIN MO AKO.

i wanted to be free.

2005-08-20T17:05:00.000+07:00

You fucked up my life
You fucked up my head
You fucked up my friends
So fuck you again

I never wanted to tell you
How much you fucked me up
But you keep fucking me up
Even more than before

Shut your fucking mouth
I didn't ask for your opinion
Cuz i can make my on decision
There is no need for your point of view
Idon't want your advice
I can make my own sacrifice

Idespise the way you choose for me
And hate the way you look past me like glass

So you can take your sack of bullshit and shove it in your ass!

Lying in this pool of blood,
I'm in ecstasy,
My hands are shaking, clutching this knife,
I'm bleeding out my misery,
Soon I'll be gone,
Then will you see,
All the time I've been locked up,
I've wanted to be free,
Now I can fly,
Though I never grew my wings,
Now I can sing,
Though you never heard my voice,
Will you miss me?
Would you have kissed me?
Well now it's too late,
I'm already gone,
I'm already there,
On heaven's stair...

Fuck me?! No fuck you, fuck all your friends and family too!

I don't fuckin wanna hear what you have to say,
so turn around and be on your fuckin way,
you only talk cause you have a mouth
not cause you have something important to say.

So get the fuck on cause
no one wants to hear that shit
don't nobody care about your fuckin little fit

Come back when you can back up your shit, but until that day I don't fuckin wanna hear it.

You're such a tease
The way you look at me
You flirt with all that you meet
But this will be your demise
You cannot disguise

But I know your game all too well
It is purely all for show
So it is best to ignore you
Until you learn what it is to be sincere
Before then you are just so fake

For all the world to see
Just so cosmetic
One day you will truly understand
It is the inner you that matters
And is what I look for and seek.

i care too much.

2005-08-09T04:57:00.000+07:00

tpos na exams!
yahoooo!
wla lng.
enjoy lng akoh miski bababaliw na ako.
nalulungkot parin ako.
dming problema.

sunod sunod.

pti kada ko nagkakaproblema na.

pati mahal ko nagloloko pa.

pamilya ko.
lgi na lng ako.

wla na tlagang matitira skn.

so wat else can i do?

just dying will be the right cue.

im sorry pero eto tlaga iniicip ko.

wla na bang pake mundo ngayon.

sure.

sa skul?

naku. kala ko sasaya pa ko.

eh..

maslalo lng pla ko nasasaktan..

sa mga ginagwa nya.

ayoko na tlg.

if only i hve the guts to take my life.

i would.

but somethings keeps holding me back.

i call her my bestfriend..

but shes taken.

and i remember my God is der.

let Him give me this tym.

that i can die.

its up to Him.

i will not take chances.

i'll follow His will.

"coz u dont know wat i really min.
u dont know wat i really feel.
no u dnt know..
u dnt know my name.
and the pain.."

i tremble as i realized im capble
with this things.

but then turns out.

i always will.
i can never erase it.
its so suprising.
i always be alone.

lust.`

2005-08-08T03:24:00.000+07:00

Lust.
Is desire.
For this is what I feel
Although I, cannot reveal

For my own time is near
I swear to you. I will never fear

I lay my trust on your hands
To lift me up if there’s a chance

I wish I might recover
If only I could..
Then it will be forever.

Don’t falter my love.
I’ll be okay..
Just think of me.
And I will lay.

We owe this night for us
As rain falls down
Pleasure took the best of us.
Passion will always be.
As we raise each other tonight.

For until this night.
Heaven will be by our side.

nothing what it seems..

2005-07-29T06:08:00.000+07:00

I feel pain
In life or in my dreams
I can't see the truth
Because nothing's what it seems

I know someday i'll wake up
and you wont be there beside me
i'll surely miss your kisses
and i'll miss forever your touch

it's only a matter of time
before everything is looking bright
i know its been real hard for you
i wanna make everything right

rampqueen!

2005-07-25T03:55:00.000+07:00

ei guys..grabeh..naaddict na ko sa rampqueen!
dahil sa aking magaling na kapatid!! c kaka!
lagi pinapatugtog sa bahay!
ayan..
songs nila ang most played sa aking mp3 playah.
wohoo!! gustonggusto ko puunta sa mga gigs nila..
hirap nga lng ako..
buti pa si kaka.whaa!!T_T
i love rampqueen!!astig tugtugin nila.

Rampqueen

Swallow Drive

alone

can't say what i want to

never will

nobody knew who hit first

oblivious

to everything that happened

nobody knew who hit first

alone

come round full circle

we have become one

pleasure took the best of us

oblivious

thought i could escape this

but pleasure took the best of us

(never thought that you

would be so kind as to)

i came just in time.

come inside my head

with your eyes closed you saw more than my soul

before i lay

you owe me tonight

you think that i could

make it all end

losing your name

made it all end

Such Uncontrollable Caressing Kills.

>

Softly

hear my silent din

Unsettling

bit my tongue once again

Carnal

you know you owe me tonight

Kindess

tonight was something that you can't deny.

if i..

2005-07-25T02:54:00.000+07:00

If I told you that I loved you,

Would you turn and walk away?

If I told you that I needed you,

Would you hold my hand and stay?

If I showed you all my scars,

Would you freak and leave me here?

If I cried infront of you,

Would you even shed a tear?

If I told you all my secrets,

Would you promise not to tell?

If I tried my best to fly,

Would you catch me if I fell?

If I told you what was wrong,

Would you try to make it right?

If I was falling apart,

Would you hold me nice and tight?

If I spilled my heart infront of you,

Would you turn and walk away?

If I told you that I loved you,

Would you promise you would stay?

in the silence,.

2005-07-21T19:42:00.000+07:00

I woke up this morning,

the same as every other morning this year.

I got up before the rest of my sisters,

and took a shower as to avoid them.

I cant stand them chattering in the morning,

groaning over sunlight

and not having finished last nights homework.

It irks me that they manage to complain

over such small and insignificant things.

But i was hurt.

I pull the hangings shut

and just breathe for a while,

trying to reel in my feelings, harness them.

I hate it when I let my guard down,

let myself remember all the things around me.

Let myself feel anything.

If I eat anything that triggers a happy memory

then that leads to something sad.

If I talk to someone and the line 'Remember when..' comes up,

it can lead nowhere good.

If I could live my life in a shell,

make everything around me quiet, then I would.

If I could just be alone for a little while,

I feel like maybe I could fix myself up.

I slip into the showers,

and turn them all on as cold as they'll go.

The water is freezing,

waking me up from the absurd dream of my life.

I sit against a wall and shiver,

thinking only about the sound of the water around me.

Its not a soft pitter-patter of rain,

but a hard sound against the white tiles.

Im so cold now that

I wonder if I can even feel anything anymore,

if Ive finally managed to become numb,

to disappear from reality without a trace.

Blank

-RampQueen-

down

sick of trying to find ways

of making the world change for me

cater to me

i dont need your sympathy

its too late

way overdue

as you scream and reach out for the line

for the first time

you'd see me smile

fire becomes a friend

eating away the world that has turned its ever perfect

back on her

now you know she was there all along

intuition dictates nothing at all

my promqueen

my joy, my pride

your dreams are not what they seem.

surrounding around me.

2005-07-19T18:16:00.000+07:00

i thought i was lost
everything seems wrong
they believe i was the cause
all along..

i walk along the aile
no one was around
you were there
then my heart was found

its very cold outside
like the way im feeling inside
and suddenly Im awake in the middle of the night
to find that your holding me tight

i hope im not dreaming
at this could not be
you were gone
and you'll always be

i couldnt stand the silence
i couldnt stand the tears
i fall to my knees and cry
i beg to the Lord. let it be my time to die..

grow old with you.

2005-07-15T04:57:00.000+07:00

i know your the one for me. span style="font-family:arial;color:#ffccff;">
cause in know we were meant to be.
so why are we so apart
when i know your a part of my heart.

no. i cant explain what im feeling
all i know is you are the one
the one that will give me a new beggining.
for my heart you have won

i picture a life with you so great
i know this is my intended fate.

but why am i so down
when i know im inlove
i guess love would not give cheers.
but a flood of tears.

i know my face wont break
for this is not fake.
ill wear a mask thats given by fate
for theres no mistake.

if only you could see im full of scars
you cant heal it
but you can touch it
im the one you used to love
the one that can only give the love that you desire.

so why should i live
where theres no reason to stay
so tell me what should i say?

i tear my heart open
our scars shows us that our past is real
so why should i turn back
when the pain i could still feel.

but i would never let go.
coz God told me when i grow old.
youre there to tell me the great love we shared throughout our life.

2005-07-11T16:29:00.000+07:00

at night i sleep
wishing when i close my eyes its you i see
but you werent there
how broke i have become to be

i remember the things you always say
that you will forever stay
i want to rip my heart
so when i hear your name
i wont feel the pain
that will tear me apart

so if you take a look
we're really meant to be
i'll show you love
as it always be

so come on love wake up..
tell me about your dreams
coz i missed you in my sleep
i thought you werent there..

but you we're just beside me.
sleeping.
peacefully like an angel
fallen from heaven.

you and me..

2005-06-28T19:21:00.000+07:00

you promise me you'll stay
but each day
your starting to fade away
i'll wait for you forever
no matter how long it may be
cause i know your the only one for me
You make me feel free like i can fly
and you promise me you wont say goodbye
i could wait for you forever
cause were meant to be together
I pray that you'll know how i feel
and know that i was for real
i'll be with you when no one else will
i'll smile for you and love you still
pls. dont forget about me
coz im never gonna be there
but you can always see
that when you turn around
im right here waiting
waiting for you and me..

near you..

2005-06-26T10:26:00.000+07:00

i woke in this lonely night
thinking you'll be by my side
but you where out of sight
i was starting to break inside

im shivering under my blanket
its cold when your not there
i wish someone could hold me tight
just like you where there

i look deep on your eyes
but then it made me cry
why do i risk my live
to something i cant deny

pls. dont get mad
coz this is how i feel
and never before have i
felt something so real

your a million miles away
but our love is strong it would never fade away
but deep down i was crying
i can feel us dying

though this is what we have been waiting for
we just want to be together
so this i promise you..
We'll be near forever.

inside of me..

2005-06-17T19:27:00.000+07:00

I thought you'll want me back someday
i was wrong you never want me in that way
I know waiting for you is like summer with snow
Impossible and nothing will ever grow
The pain is still as real, when you left me on my own
ive learn not to care or wish about the unknown
I'll seek life that i hold so well
And be strong as i can tell.
I found it in my heart
memories keeps hunting me
and its tearing me apart
I can still see today
the face that pass me each day
the way you held me in your arms
and the things you always say
your gentle voice i hear
make me melt inside
from all this time,
i thought you'd finally get to see through
and now i feel like im falling
right back when the time i was so willing
im hurt deep inside
no longer can i hide
you truly won this battle
when you set my heart free
but my raging of life continues
if you could only see whats inside of me.

just breath..

2005-06-17T11:48:00.000+07:00

Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?
I walk arond with acusing eyes
but this i have to take
no i cant hide
this is my world
at times i cant handle it anymore
i cradle my head in my hands
ive been down for a while
but i tried to breath
just breath
im in this tunnel where im
to far to the end where all i can do was shout
that someone could help me out
though i feel like im naked for this are the words on my diary
screaming out loud
but i tried to breath
just breath
my mind is spinning
this day is starting to fade away
this is the wreck of the day
if love doesnt hurt
then i know im not falling inlove
im just falling into pieces
i drive all the way home
found you lying asleep on the bed
i tried to sleep
As I feel your smooth arms wrap themselves around me
a tear falls on the pillow
as quiet as can be.

pray at night..

2005-06-15T13:29:00.000+07:00

though i wonder i always pray at night
how come i get to have this
hatred around me
how come i have to accept this painful world of mine
But finally i understand
God was trying to challenge
I will accept the challenge cause i know
you'll bring me through it
i have to show you how strong i am
but being strong is not how you act
its how you rebound when you fall..

my heart doesnt beat anymore..

2005-06-13T08:27:00.000+07:00

i woke up today
thinking what a great day it is
so i wonder if i'll be able to smile
be able to laugh
but from the moment i woke up
i feel like im being torned
i realized i was falling again
its a clear message that they were trying to hurt me
though they were all asleep
i can feel the presence they left in this place
all the anger that they hid form me lingers on the walls
then i knew today might be another of those i have come to hate
but ive been used to it
so i pray that each day i face a hindrance
it would be an offer to grant my prayers everynight
it was just simple and true
that i would make it through the fall
and make it through it all..

fall to pieces..

2005-06-10T18:59:00.000+07:00

i thought they would accept me
most of all my only family
but this world has turn their back on me
tears prickle in my eyes but i try to hold it in
no , im not going to cry not this time
i feel like my world is closing in
how come they were so cold
i think i cant face another day
no one can mend my broken heart but you
so i pray for some guidance
a thousand times have i fall today
i pray when that time comes again
i could stand tall again
cause each by each my heart is being ripped
so i pray that some will stay
and will never stray.

gotta take a risk..

2005-06-08T18:54:00.000+07:00

i thought i was so alone
i tried to think of a reason
why i dont want to look at you
my heart was racing fast
i couldnt stop
i tried hitting it to a wall
but it goes on
i want to run away
because theres to much pain
i hate being seperated to you
i guess the world has turn its back on me
you steal the breath i breathe
i have to hold my head up high
if i do love you
i'll go on and pretend everythings alright
cause thats what love is
you have to hold on
what you believe is right
today is a start of a season
as the summer breaks when rain start pouring..
i gotta take a risk
and make a change
but i wont forget where i have come from
cause your heart is where i belong.

dream away..

2005-06-05T04:06:00.000+07:00

No i cant sleep
I cant breath
you took my heart away
So i pray wishing you'll be back some day
I ask myself
would i like to see you in a picture
just a picture where theres no future
so i said no
because i know that someday
i dont need to see you in a picture
i know that someday
you'll be right here in front of me
Cause I prayed
that we would breakaway
rain pours down outside the lonely night
i just stared out my window
thinking when would you find me
dreaming of what could be
if i'd end up happy
its a long night
i know i'll lose this fight
but you where there cheering me up
encouraging me to stand tall
how i wish someone would come along and change mylife
the way you've done
but that someone i wanted
was you
so hurry up love..
wake up..
and tell me about your dreams.
cause every night i dream about you
wishing your dreaming about me too
i never wanted nobody
cause all i wanted was you..
so i'll try to sleep so i can touch
you..
thats the only way..
so lets dream away..

i'll find you..

2005-06-03T19:09:00.000+07:00

If you cry
I will help you make them dry..
Even though Im far away
I am still with you
I am beside you
In everything you do
I'll kiss you
A silent good night
and sleep beside you
I will get up with you on your own feet
i will sit backdown with you
if you break down and weep
i'll lift you up when you fall
and encourage you to stand tall
i'll help you carry youre broken heart
and will hold it and heal it
as you fall apart...
Hold on my love...
im close to finding you..

breakaway..

2005-06-03T18:51:00.000+07:00

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I just stared out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray
Trying not to reach out
But when I'd try to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I pray
I could breakaway
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I loved
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jet plane, far away
And breakaway
Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging around revolving doors
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me but
Gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway
I'll spread my wings
And I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway, breakaway, breakaway

----Kelly Clarkson - BreakAway
..this song touch me
and woke something i never thought its there..

break free..

2005-06-03T07:37:00.000+07:00

Here i am
wasting my time
staring on a wall
as cold breeze pass by this lonely night
there is a storm brewing in my soul
inside me theres is so much you cant see
i know you'll hate what i have become to be.
im shattered beyond repair..
pieces stumped into the floor
my heart bleeds every night
that my heart doesnt beat anymore
you do not know
that my smile is fake
a long time ago my face did break.
Now im standing in this lonely night
with the pain my chest holds
it makes me shiver in the cold
No one know how broken i have become to be
so i stare at the sky as rain start pouring down on me
so much i wish i could break free..

coming home,,,

2005-06-01T09:47:00.000+07:00

i know im lucky that im here where the sun shines and snow rains
but i want to go home
i miss your touch
your soft kisses
i need you here tonight
I was happy from the start coz im going to place
ive dreamnt for a life time
but i realized without you there its no dream of mine
Coz i know
something in your eyes
something in your arms
something in your voice
would feel like home
I can here raindrops from my window
As im shivering under a blanket
i miss your sweet face smiling at me
making me warm inside
as i realized the drops coming from my eyes
for so long i have cried but this one is real
i have to bid goodbye to the place i have cried
and now i can sleep peacefully now
cause maybe im done
and i know tomorow
i'll be home.home where i belong.

this painful reality...

2005-05-30T21:04:00.000+07:00

People say Im lucky
How could I not be
They say they know me
but how come they cant see me
I wanted to be left alone
to wallow on my own misery
tried to forget everything around me
but that could not be.
Every night I tried to sleep
as confusion lingers in my mind
i wanted some answers but i guess i have to wait for eternity
so i shall pretend not to face reality
even though its killing me slowly
i let it be
though i know answers may not come
i still believe love can answer some
I'm holding on for each new day,
then I slowly start to fade away,
I pull myself up onto the ledge,
then slipping back right to the edge,
I lost all my senses and I gave you my heart
I forget where did this all start?
I was finaly able to sleep
but i never thought i'd go deep
so i guess im lucky
not to wake up for this painful reality.

it wont fade away..i know..

2005-05-27T21:07:00.000+07:00

I stand in the rain
Looking up the sky
As memories of us together runs through my mind
Though I know we are a thousand miles away
I can still feel you beside me
How could this world be so mean to us
When they want us to part away..
Love, how come they dont want us to be together?
how come they are forcing us to do something against our hearts?
if i could go back
i know its still you i would choose
i wish that forever you could be mine
cause i know the more time i spend without you
the more im closer to losing you
the more im closer to losing myself
I remember we were holding each other
as crowds come by and part you away from me..
then now i understand how i got here in the middle of the park
standing in the rain
coz this is the place where they take our love away
i shivered to the coldness of the air
as the rain falling from the sky washes away my tears
I thought i heard your voice in this lonely night
And you were thererain pouring down your face
smiling like an angel
you run to me
hug me tight
and said
"no matter how much they try to part me from you..
ill always come back to the place where i first found you.."
So ill always remember this place
where rain washes away everything
even the sadness of the chilling air
I know youre there
even though your gone now
i can still see you walking towards me
memories of us will never go away.
Cause you said our love is strong it will never fade away.

your scent..i remember..

2005-05-27T07:11:00.000+07:00

In the middle of the night
I woke up in a empty bed
Nothing was left but your scent on the pillow cases
It makes me smile when I remember how you sleep
you love hugging the pillows so tight like a baby trying to sleep..
then again i feel so empty without you
i tried to hold back the tears as I embrace the pillow you always want when you sleep
but now i cant do anything to stop it..
As millions of tears are falling from the sky..
I look out at the window and saw you
starring up at the sky, smiling.
I remember the day we said we love when it rains..
because we both agreed that it washes away everything..
I walk bare foot on the hardwood floor
reaching to open the door..
Wiping away my tears so you wont know i was crying
Then you were there smiling at me
pulling me in the rain
and hugged me so tight that
you'll never let go..
You kissed me in my forehead
whispered "I love you..I will never leave you.."
then i feel your soft lips on mine
as we kissed
the tears of the sky falls down on us..

forever love...

2005-05-25T01:16:00.000+07:00

Now im here in this empty road
i didnt know how i got here...
but you found me
put a smile to my face
and love me like i love you
you kiss my fears away
but I know Im only dreaming, as this will never be
I dont see how anyone could fall in love with me
know ill always love you probably forever
It just hurts me so to know we cant be together
Though please dont be mad, because this is how I feel
And never before have I felt something so real
And now Im lost, unsure what to do
With the fact that Im forever, in love with you..

dis empty road..ive taken..

2005-05-23T20:28:00.000+07:00

Im on this lonely road
Ive never been so alone like this
I always want to know why I wake in the middle of the night crying
Thinking about you wishing your dreaming about me too
They all say that they can see right through me
And all they see is sadness
Theyre right
I am and I believe always will be
Come here
Change this world of mine that is so empty
Each day I wear thousands of mask
But theres one I think ive never wore before
The one thats usual to people but not me
Thats happiness..
I always thought love could bring this
But I guess I was wrong
Although its right to everyone
Mine was different
It bring me hope everytime I remember your face
But I never though it could lead to sadness, depression and also loneliness
Ive always wanted to live in my dream so you were there forever
Everytime I woke up to this painful world of mine I want to lose myself
Something in your eyes that makes my heart beat fast
Something in your voice that makes my life in rush
Tell me something I dont know
When I was told that you where there
My heart was racing
Asking me what to do
Coz its dying softly and no one can see
But I cannot do anything to help
So I let it be
Coz maybe when that time comes
Ill know what to do
Maybe when that time comes
I have found my home
I have found you..

ive read about it..

2005-05-19T06:33:00.000+07:00

Ive read about it
Ive learned it in the books
Its all about it
Ive studied it
So that I wont get hurt when I feel it
So tell me now
I have avoided all the things that
Will only hurt me at the end of the road
But this I did not see
But Ive learned something
Do you wanna know?
Ive read it for so many times
After reading it now
I finally understood what I felt
Cause everytime I look at it
All I can see is sadness
But now ive seen something I never notice
It was full of hope
Then I understood now..
Thats what makes it different
Thats why everyday I always want to read
To understand it
But I never knew that
I already know the answer
Cause every time I read it
It gave me hope
That it will come true
And made me look at it in a different way
Instead of making me sad it makes me smile..
I miss the way to smile
I thought ill never feel it again
So I thank you God for making me understand what my poems really mean..

if i say goodbye...

2005-05-17T18:16:00.000+07:00

If I say goodbye
What will you do?
Will you run for me
And tell me to stay
No, I wont leave you
But will you stay forever
Right here in my arms
No, I wont say stay
But are you willing too?
I do. I love you.
You are my life..
And without you I think ill fall
If im lost would you find me?
Do you see my tears fall for you?
What will you do?
Will you hug me tight and wipe away my tears
Cause I am right here infront of you
Now tell me what to do
Would you feel sorry for me?
Or will you leave your fears behind and run here at my side?
I live in a dream
And that dream was my world
When you said.
'Lie down right next to me and I will never let you go'
When the day you found me
I remembered it clearly
It was raining that day
You saw me starring up at the sky
No, you didnt find out I was crying
But you did run to me and hug my back.
Whispering to me..
'please stay..'
then I knew..
even though everything is not clear
ill hang on to this dream cause
it gave me a reason to go on
and that was him,,
he was my mate.
Its hard not to be with him
Not to be able to touch him every single day of this life.
But hes right here inside my heart
And I know someday we will meet..
Not to worry my love.
We will see each other soon.
Just hang on.
'Cause youll be here inside me forever..'
Remember, were meant to be together.

help me if you can...

2005-05-16T20:13:00.000+07:00

Help me if you can
Put out the fire in me
Cause im freezing in the rain
Im burning under the sun
I miss your warm embrace
I vividly remember the color of your eyes
I remember the day
When you where here asleep lying in my arms
Just thinking of it bring tears in my eyes
As if I want to breakdown
Cause I always do when I remember
The face that change my life
And the laugh that made me smile
But then just looking at you peacefully
I realize you were my angel too.
Cause I put it by heart that you love me so
When you called me my angel..
I tried to hide to escape from reality
But I never thought there would be
An open door behind me
And when I turn to close it
You where there smiling at me..
Asking 'Where have you been?'
I feel so sorry
I did nothing
But you…
You run to me
Hug me so tight then said..
'I could stay like this forever..ple..please..stay'
I was down on my knees
And you were there with me
You will never believe it
But we were both crying
I was falling apart just seeing you cry
So I just did what I can
I kissed you and said
'Im right here and I always will..I love you..'
'Find me..'

dream.

2005-05-15T19:55:00.000+07:00

Tell me
What should I do
In silence Im screaming
Calling out your name
If im right in front of you
Would you recognize me?
Is this reality?
Where we dont know each other
Where we have our own worlds?
And now youre here in my dream
Asking me 'Why are you crying?'
Then I look up in your green eyes
And said 'Why is it so hard to believe that this is all a dream?
Why cant you just be right here where your close to me..?'
Since then that dream keeps hunting me..
Every night I pray wishing to sleep that
Maybe when he dreams
He'll dream about me.

rain..pour me,,

2005-05-07T13:05:00.000+07:00

here i stand alone
freezing in the rain
i dont know how i got here
i remember vividly the day when i last saw you
its was like a memory from yesterday
and from then on i only see you in my dreams
it was just a vision of you standing infront of me
but now i guess that vision was true
i saw you
and now im shivering under the rain
tell me what is this im feeling
when you were standing in front of me
i want to hold you and run away
but then i thought it would be better if i leave
i do. i love you. so pls. tell me what to do
i shut my eyes i dont want to believe any of this.
am i dreaming again?
but then again all my life was just a dream
cause you are my life
this entire time was just pretending
i couldnt hide myself from the truth
thats why im here
looking up in the sky
waiting for an answer
as the rain and my tears pour down my face.

this morning..

2005-04-27T22:50:00.000+07:00

i woke to the coldness of the air.
my body was shivering.
and the only thing that i got is a thin blanket.
i prayed for sleep.
i knew it wouldnt work.
i give up and just stared in the ceiling.
trying to remember what ive dreamt.
i see myself falling from grace.
my life is fading without a trace.
i wanted to cry.
to relief this weight that im carrying.
No one should see me like this.
this dies along with my shattered mind and broken heart.
no tears shall break my face until
im far from prying eyes.
my smile falters tears behind my eyes starts to break.
i ran away.
closed the doors behind me.
i break down on my knees.
tears flowing freely down my cheeks.
i need you right here.
take this burden away from me.
i miss you.yet your so far away.
Find me.
and i'll found you.
i dont care what they say.
i dont care what they do.
cause tonight ill leave my fears behind.
cause tonight ill be right at your side.
heaven would be you lying in my arms.
ive been waiting for so long.
for you to come along.
but i guess i have to wait still.
No my love.
dont worry though my life is an empty soul.
my love for you will not falter.
so lets find each other.
we need to carry on.
cause that what life is.
you dream.you try.you work.you fly.
lets do this together.

the future..

2005-04-26T07:55:00.000+07:00

ei...
grrrr..
i awake in afternoon i fell asleep in
the living room..
its one of those moments wen everything is so clear..
when the truth comes back in to hiding
i wanna decide cause its worth deciding,
to think on finding somethings more than this fear...
this April 29 is gonna be crucial day..
i have a practicum..
that means i have to sing on stage..
its killingme..ust thinking of it...
i trust God..
let it be.

feelings..

2005-04-26T07:36:00.000+07:00

i lie awake in my bed..
how come i cant sleep
its been 2 hours and yet im fully awake
its ur fault
ur fault that im like this
i cant stop thinking about you
i have to ran awayno one can see me like this
i have to hide the tears
that crept behind my eyes
all of this i hide from my heart
no one can seei need to be away from this
i crawl in my bed wishing for the dark to conjure me
help me
i miss your warm embrace
i couldnt sleep and i know i need you beside me
my smile faltersand my heart melts
i need you most of all i miss you.
I remember clearly the last time we had each other
we lie awake all night telling stories to each other
holding each other tight we dont want to let go
but we have to.i remeber when we last kiss.
i was crying but you lift my face and brushed
away my tearsthen you gave me as slow passionate kiss
my love
its been a long time since i cried and left you out of the blue.

vacation?

2005-04-15T00:10:00.000+07:00

hello...
its been quite awhile..
well my vacation suck! BIGTIME!
i miss my peer!
well anyways..we're going out today!whoohuu!!!
i sure miss them!!
well...bout my life..
i officially suck..
fuck all of it..
i hate sitting my ass off at home...
im force to take voice lessons...
im telling you...
singing on stage and being corrected is not a nice feeling..
i just want to rip of my hand and throw it to him..(my teacher/coach)
but u know its a good change to sit my ass on a diff. place..(at least)
hmmm...oh before i forgot a pack chocolates where delivered here..
and i ate alot of it..
but no worries..
thats the only thing i eat anyway..
hmmm...wat else is new?
there is this boy.
who hunts my dreams.
im crazy about him.
in my dreams he was perfect.
i know him.
ive seen him in lot of magazines.movies.
he doesnt even know i existed.
but i feel this bond.
he was my soul mate.
thats what i believe.
i dont care wat everybody thinks.
i want God to be with me.
to guide me to this road ive taken.
i know i will fall.
so when that times comes.
Gods hands will be there for me to reach.
I will stand up.
and go on.
this guy change me.
ive become close to God.
i started praying at night.
and he help me know what i want to do with my life.
i want to go to the city that i love.
LONDON.
every night before i sleep.
i sing this song to sleep.
_____Dream of me______
Let me sleep
for when i sleep i dream that u are here
your mine
and all my fears are left behind
i float on air
the night and gale seems gentle lullaby
so let me close my eyes
and sleep a chance to dream
so i can see the face i long to touch
to kiss
my only dreams can bring me this.
so let the moon shine
softly to the boy i long to see
so maybe when he dreams
he'll dream of me.
i hide beneath the clouds whisper to the
evening stars
they tell me love was just a dream away.
dream away.
a dream away.

my dreams...

2005-04-01T05:17:00.000+07:00

ello...
well...life is pretty boring...
hmm..but sitting my ass off..
finaly paid off..
just wondering off wat i like wen i grow up..
i want to marry this guy...
kinda out of the blue isnt it?
who cares..
he hunts my dreams...
he was perfect..
i know his name..
he dont know me...
nor did we met..
i know im too young to know what i like...
to young to understand whats right...
i'll follow my dreams...
its the only thing i hold on to..
even though theres a great black wall thats seperates us...
i believe i can pass through..
i dont know about him alot...
i dont know what his like..
all i know is i dont want to turn back time..
and wonder if i choose the right one..
i believe i can make it..
and its up to me...
hell.. i dont care if i fall..
coz i knw eventually ill go on...

not again...

2005-03-23T23:37:00.000+07:00

hello...
things got better with me and my sisters ALOT..
i was even thinking of stopping..
i thought things turn out well..
i recieved an award..on our RECOGNITION day..'at school..
im an IT..i recieved an award for Computer Genetics..
i thought my dad was proud of me...
he is...
but then..
he have to insult me again..
being fat..
simply i walk out..
but they didnt even notice i was mad..
they cant try to stop me!
hell no!! it was their fault!!!
their fault!!
i really want to cry..
wen i went to bed last night..
i want to rip of the sheets..
i was so mad at them..
LOVE me???
they cant even notice somthing was wrong!
and if even they found out..
they cant do anything..
its their fault!!
im already deep down the ground..
still you want me to fall deeper...
im already there...
you cant do anything about it...
fuck it.

hir in a closet...

2005-03-16T06:11:00.000+07:00

hello...
hayyy....
maybe its better if just...
tell u sumthing about mylife..
I walked up the stairs carefully..
stepping on the edges rather than the middle..
to avoid any creaking...
I walked pretty aimlessly..
i shut the door of my room carelessly..
and went to the closet
filled with sheets and pillows thats not being used...
They were all moth-eaten and smelled musty,
but I wasn't in the mood to care.
I curled into a little ball at the bottom of the closet..
willing myself in the dark to sleep...
I actually spent minutes,
maybe hours staring at the wall..
i hear peoples feet shuffle past my door..
and not a single one of them mentioned me being missing...
They quite obviously didn't care.
Maybe if I just curl up and die in this cupboard..
they will forget all about me and
my love will and move on to someone better for him..
Maybe this is better for everyone..
At the very corner of the closet..
I noticed a singular knife from the rest,
unused and gleaming in the light.
A knife wouldn't hurt..for protection..
or if worse comes to worse...
I eyed its shiny surface carefully..
sliding my fingertips along the sharp edge...
and gasping as a tiny sliver of blood ran the length of my fingertip..
I sucked on the finger without thinking..
as well as sliding the knife into my pants pocket.
If worse comes to worse..
oh my...my life officially sucks...

ragged....

2005-03-14T23:42:00.000+07:00

hello...
im tired....
i dont know why...
its bin a week...
im suppose to have a vacation...
but still...things got in the way...
im not working...per se..
im just sitting my ass out here...
yes...i guess uve bin wondering...
the hell in the world how i became tired..
well actually...wen i say...bin sitting around...
u dont know the half ot it...
well... its best if i describe how i look...
for the past week...
i have baggy eyes...
im totally weak...
i cant even stand without something to grab on too...
well...as much as i like to say...
wat im really bin doing...i just cant...
i dont like them to know...
how ragged i am...
ill just say...
i dont have energy left...
well...ITS A LONG STORY...
see...ive bin humiliated for being fat...
soooo...i dont know what happened to me..
i stop eating..i only eat bread...
but then..suddenly wen i let my guard down.....
im worn out..
honestly...
i think im sick...
but i still let my smile out there for them...
NOT to notice anything...

fuck oll....

2005-03-13T06:38:00.000+07:00

hello....
i read a poem...
it was weird...
i dont get most of it...
but it made me realize something...
how this world is such a pain in the arse...bugger...
i thought...
i could live..
but then...things change...
ive learned one thing...
Leave all the worlds you hang on to...
and go back to the world you belong...
life sucks..
but it will turn out...
just fyn...
remember...
"what a man thinks he becomes...."

hopeless...

2005-03-10T23:14:00.000+07:00

hello...
im hopeless...
i knew it wont last forever...
but i kept going..
i want something to hold on..
i dont know what to do sometimes...
cause from the very first time i rest my eyes on him..
my heart says follow through..
but i dont wanna wait in vain for his love...
yeah..he gave me a reason to smile...
but it gave me another reason to feel all the weight in this world..
it was like theres a wall in my heart..
that i could not pass through..
im lock in here...
no one can see me...
im torned apart...

hello...

2005-03-08T13:18:00.000+07:00

i feel quite alright...
at least...
coz da best thing happened to me...
u c...
ive bin infatuated with this guy...
hes a gooooood dancer...
very sexy and all...
he's handsome...
theres a rumor..(just a rumor...not a fact)
that he's fascinated to me...or whatsoever..
den i got the urge to invite him on my friendster account..
ofcourse you've already heard bout friendster...Ü
i emailed him...
he was welcoming...
i was a bit suprise...
he was telling me stories...
he even told me that he really is 'sensitive'..
den it comes to...
'hope to c u agen...'...
'its nice chatting w/ you'...
he was so lovely...
then my friend told me that..
he was asking for my batch shirt..
my friend said...it will not fit him...(obviously)
but he said..its all right as long that its hers...
OMG!!!hehehe...
i was so happy..i kip on bouncing on my bed...
strange?i dont care!!
for so long...
i finaly have a reason to smile...
it wont last forever...i know...
but im gonna cherish it forever...
coz he gave me a reason to smile...

stung of blade...

2005-03-07T12:07:00.000+07:00

then suddenly..
when i slammed the door shut...
for the 3rd time in my life...
i cried...
i wasnt able to stop what was coming...
i was curled up in a ball on the floor...
i was hurt..
all i could feel was my own blood dripping from my...
clenched fist..and my tears flowing freely..
i tried my best not to hate them...
tried to ignore them...
but now ignoring them seems so hard..
i turn up the music..
hearing myself whimpering..
will only make me hate myself even more...
I was looking out my bared window...
looking at the full moon shivering in the cold of the room...
I insisted on giving...
myself nothing but a thread bare sheet...
and then blasting the air conditioning...
I was curled up in a ball..
the sheet pulled tightly around ...
my small shaking form...
as I tried to keep as much warmth as possible in....
The sheets were bloodied and soiled...
I sighed trying to get more comfortable..
wincing as I aggravated my wounds...
i want to be alone..
i could not bear to look at them...
they are the cause of my pain...
ive hurt myself to know that i could still feel something...
i was numb...
and whenever i try to hurt myself..
i felt relieved that i could still...
feel the cold blade against my skin...
but i promise myself...
this is the last tym..
that i'll do something like this to myself...

numb..is what i feel..

2005-03-06T07:45:00.000+07:00

In school...
all my friends was being overly cheery for my benefit...
and I managed a fake smile to please themm..
The truth was that ever since i tried to go on with my life...
Ive been kind of numb...
Stuff that should make me...
angry, sad, happy or scared..just couldn't do it anymore.
Only when I thought I saw myself alive and happy....
was I remotely happy,...
followed by a few hours of deep depression....
before sinking back into the familiar numbness...
My friend waved a hand across my face...
but I continued to stare distractedly...
at the scene in front of me...
My friend even stepped in front of me...
to obstruct my view...
but this only caused me to crane my neck around...
in front of me i thought i saw myself...
crying...on the corner...
i was in pain...
i saw what was really inside me...
what i really felt...
that i could not show them...
i was afraid the world will see me...
and realized how weak i really am...
but then...i realized...
it was all i wanted to do now...
to breakdown..on my knees..
I need to get away...
I need to stop shivering...
i need myself...
I wrapped the blanket tighter around myself..
as another shiver ran through me.
I was sitting on my room...
away from everyone's smothering,
My parents scolding, and even my friends mothering...
I wanted to be alone...
why couldn't I be left alone?..
So much has already been taken away from me..
what else is there left for me to give besides my life?...
but one thing i will bear in my mind...
is his voice telling me....
"everything will be okay...just stand up...and follow me..."

hit me..

2005-03-03T21:17:00.000+07:00

this is the most awful day ever...
my classmate knock me over..
ofcourse not intentionally..
but grrr....
its the nastiest ever...
i wasnt able to open my right eye..
my nose swell..(if possible..i think its broken)
when i was able to open it..
they assumed that my eyes was covered with blood..
but no the nurse said it was just red..but not blood..
i really hope it will not swell..
i dont lyk bumps in my eye..
i will definitely look lyk some drug user being possess...
grrr...i really hope not..

Someone's watching over me...

2005-03-02T19:10:00.000+07:00

Found myself today
Oh I found myself and ran away
Something pulled me back
The voice of reason I forgot I had
All I know is just you're not here to say
What you always used to say
But it's written in the sky tonight
So I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark
I'll still believe
Someone's watching over me
Seen that ray of light
And it's shining on my destiny
Shining all the time
And I wont be afraid
To follow everywhere it's taking me
All I know is yesterday is gone
And right now I belong
Took this moment to my dreams
It doesn't matter what people say
And it doesn't matter how long it takes
Believe in yourself and you'll fly high
And it only matters how true you are
Be true to yourself and follow your heart

found myself today..

2005-03-02T09:06:00.000+07:00

hi....
hmmmm.....
i dont really knw wat came to my mind
when i wrote my latest blog...
it just seems so weird..
but then maybe its real...
maybe it was me..
maybe i was describing what i am..
what i really look lyk inside..
now im caught with my thoughts...
then i realized..
i was scared..
so scared that i close my eyes and forgot
reality..
i have lived my life as i want it to be..
no pains and troubles...
with all that..
i felt nothing...
i was so vain i couldnt open my eyes again
to the world i once left behind..
i remember when my love was close..
i could feel him..
i always feel him..
but now he's beside me..
taking care of my frail body..
i clutch my locket so tight..
hoping i would wake up to my senses
and hug him tight..
but i was useless..
..............hir i am can u still recognize me??
i open my self to the world..
the world i never thought i could return..

it was me, who i never thought i could be..

2005-02-27T09:55:00.000+07:00

hi...
sorry..
its bin a while..
i have so much to do..
and have so much in my head today..
When i close my eyes i see myself lying on my bed asleep..
I had a brief moment of looking at the real me, barely lasting half a minute.
"What happend to me?"
The circles under my eyes were darker..
skin paler and pastier.. my face was gaunt and my lips were dry and cracked..
In my sleep I looked near death.
I was cold as my body shivered it was an unfeeling type of cold..
it was my own body..
I couldnt feel anything..
I touched my pale form..
Frustrated, tears leaked from my eyes..
burying my face beside my lymp form..
But crying wont lead to anything..
What's holding me back? there's nothing that can be done...
This is me..inside..
Im weak..
im drained to my fullest..
I ask myself.. "maybe its much better to die?right?"
Fear crept through me..as i realized i was capable of such a thing..
then maybe i thought it was the right thing to do..
Soon i realized im alone..my lymp form was gone..
because it was already me..
slowly so that I woudnt hurt myself i reached and touch my lips..
it was dry and cracked..
then i knew..im in my true self..
whats from the inside was already the outside..
there is nothing to hide anymore..
i felt dizzy..
i closed my eyes again..
and drifted to sleep..
i can never hide my true self anymore..
because im right here..
and this is how i look..
im scared..who would want me like this?
I could feel its still dark outside..
I woke up for warm hands held my cool skin
and another warm hand was carressing my cheek,
brushing aside my hair..
"Why were these people here? Didn't they realize I wantto be left alone to wallow in my misery?"
I can hear them talking..
i recognized one of them..
it was my love..
then maybe i thought i was still dreaming..
But then i can feel them closed to me..
it wasnt a dream..
Shame washed over me..
I was being selfish,
no matter how much i wanted to give up..
and let myself get consumed by the cold darkness..
i just couldn't allow myself that luxury
when there were people out there
who would be hurt by my actions..
Still, wasnt I entitled to some selfishness?..
Yes, the answer was easy but the simple fact
I would die with a guilt consious in knowing my
death would hurt those close to me..
It was just enough to admit defeat in a fight..
guilt was a very powerful thing although inconvenient at times...
"Come on love wake up."
No. I mentally sighed in defeat.
I really dont like the way my love sounded.
As I put all my effort to open my eyes.
I smiled up at them,
they had the cheesiest smile.
It was a start of my life..
People fall..and it was up to them if they want to go on..
Me?... yes, i want to..
If only I could..
But i will eventually..

back again...

2005-02-21T09:25:00.000+07:00

helo..
hmmm....life is boring...
i can tell you dat...
uve been out this days..
got no tym posting hir...
i have tym writing my thoughts but
i have no tym posting it..
then badluck was stuck up to my arse (Metaphorically speaking)..dont u dare think i have shit on my arse..hehehe..
well heres wat happend i type down my thoughts on my laptop..
but then i think i forgot to save it..stupid me ryt???
but im telling you..it was some good thoughts..
not lyk this one..im just being stupid..
but that one was really heart melting..
when i say 'heart melting' i meant it lyk..
im being overdramatic again..
u know writing dark stuffs again..
but dont get me wrong..im not dark or anything..
just lyk doing it...
for me it shows wat i really feel..
damn it!! if only i can remember every fucking word
i said..grrrr...
im not making sense hir..i know dat...
i so sorry...

me again...

2005-02-16T11:17:00.000+07:00

hmmm...
elo..im bored..
yesterday i dnt knw wat to do
i didnt reply to his message..
its not lyk he expects or anything
but i guess he will nver notice it..
my peer keep on saying.. i should reply..
so that we will become close friends...
but wat the fuck should i say to him??!!
ndi ko na alm yung gagawin ko..
he clearly showed me that his not interested..
but realy my friends say he's just shy...
should i believe them or not..i realy think i wil look needy!!
but i lyk him so much..
so much dat i miss him so much everyday..
i knw im crazy..i mean hir i am going wild..
nd truth is we havent talk in person..
we just often see each other staring..
but i guess thats no big deal..
pls. i hope da gods will hear me this tym..

stuff...

2005-02-16T05:36:00.000+07:00

Hi…
U know its bin a while since I got lots of things to do…
It shocking really..coz mostly all I do is stare in space..
But now…whoah,,,I cant breath…
Hmm..let me see if can give u a
little something for my hectic stupid also boring fuckingwitty life..
tomorrow I have to report in English class..
God loves me so much He gave me the best group ever…
Well incase you didn’t notice my sarcasm there..
It sucks…yah..we are all the same..
but I mean SAME as same attitudes in studies..
if u want to know about my attitudes in studies well I must say…im a dung beetle…hehehe don’t even know wat that means really..
SEE? how could a group of dungbeetles especially me work with that?!!
HOW!!!thats completely IMPOSSIBLE…
so the reporting is tomorrow nd guess wat?
We are definitely going to look lyk freaking losers…
And another thing…
I the best sucker in school is chosen to report the fucking MALAYSIA the COUNTRY..
With my partner..who I must say is very I don’t know..SMART…
but I don’t know…SHE IS NOT WORKING… I did all the hardwork..
But ofcourse its not yet finish!!
how could I finish if all day she is sitting with her fucking lunatic GIRL-Friend …
I don’t hate them or anything…but whenever we have time to talk about it..
her nasty friend keep on blocking me..
HOW and WHAT THE FUCK should I do about it..
she doesn’t care anyway..
and im not the kind of person who have the guts to speak up..i
m really not…that’s why im releasing all my tensions hir..in this..i don’t should I call it my diary now??...well diary is not appropriate maybe stick to the old one…Blog…
Oh god..Im in too much pressure already..

finaly...

2005-02-15T13:35:00.000+07:00

yes!!at last...
okay...the good news...is dat..
oh my..i cant even say it..
my god he replyed!!
okay...to make it understandabe...
On the date of Febuary 7 i message him..
i ask if i can add him up..nd i told him dat i recognize
him sumwhere..i was frendly ofcourse..
and definitely nervous...
it was my first tym to make the first move...
i was dying inside..just waiting for him..
then..today Feb. 14(Valentines day)
he replyd it was just so simple...
it shows he has no interest but it doesnt matter..
he said...
"ya..i knw u..i see u around tinu2ruan nmen kau sa cheering..... ya.. u can add me, y not??..... frendz!!!"
it was just lyk dat nd it makes my heart beat skip for a minute...
ofcourse i expect more words...
i guess my friends r ryt about him..
Snob..but i dnt wnt to believe it..
i still want to know him more..but how..
if only he knew..he makes my heart beats faster and slower at the same tym...

Last night of me...

2005-02-14T08:43:00.000+07:00

hmmm..tommorow its valentines day...
got nothing to do
last night i went to Strumms
and lost myself to the music...
me nd my frends keep on dancing
banging our heads until we pass out..
but wat mkes the night diff. from ol others
is that this tym..
i learn to forget ol my problems for a while..
i totaly forgot it...and learn to enjoy..
buts still...sum1 destroyed it...
sum1 who i thought its long forgoten..
she burst out her feelings about sum1..
saying she wont do anything about it
she doesnt want anything to hinder my hapiness..
da last thng i nid is sumone..
giving up their hapiness just for one..
and that one was me
wat wuld u feel bout dat.
im not dat kind of person who hurts people
i prefer to b hurt dan 2 hurt...
it makes me feel awful..
honestly..i lose myself nd started saying words
i shoudnt hav...
i told her not to let her self down
coz i dnt want people doing things for me
it just mkes me feel...i dnt know..foolish?
dreadful?superior?? im not lyk dat!
so i know u knw hu u r...
so please stop doing this..
coz im sick of doing wat u xpect
from me...i cnt handle it anymore..
just leave me be..
i thought it was ol over
nd i thought it was ol okay
but then u came to my lyf and suck it ol again..

elo...

2005-02-13T02:12:00.000+07:00

Ü
la lng...computer nmin ngayon...
got nothing to do...
im okay na by the way...
i realized...
i can go on...
i know i cant go back to where it ol started...
but i can change it...

hmmm...

2005-02-12T11:23:00.000+07:00

i just want to get over this...
im not heart broken...
im pretty piss....

my weakness...

2005-02-11T18:51:00.000+07:00

Hi,,,,
ders just to many thoughts swirling in my head and I nid to write it down..
Truth is im tired
Wanting sumthing I cant have
Im sick of people telling me wat to do
People giving up their happiness for me
And leaving me with no choice
Doing everything again and again
Just to give them what they expect from me
I finally broke down
As tears run freely down my cheeks
Ive never cried before because I know it will show my weakness
But now I let my guard down
Im on my knees pouring my heart out
How could I let dis happen to me
I just want to be happy for once in this lyf
But I knew dats not possible for me
As I fear of falling
I close my eyes nd entrap myself in
The darkness as I can feel it within my reach
I dont lyk to fall
but hir I am y cnt u c me
I have fallen for u yet u havnt notice
Im nothing without you